So, I started Golden Sun: Dark Dawn this evening. Aaaaand I hadn't even STARTED PLAYING BY THE TIME THINGS WERE WRONG ALREADY.
Granted, the awesome Golden Sun theme was included on the title page. Take a listen if you've never heard it before.
But then I got to the menu...and the menu had the WRONG MUSIC. Maybe I'm just a stickler, but as a veteran of this series I fully intend on hearing the original music, or at the very least a remix. Sad -- this theme was one of my favorites from the first two games. Now it's a sissy harp soundtrack. Laaaaaame.
So I start a new file and the backstory/prologue/terrible mash-up of the game history rolls by. It's pretty bland and surprisingly stupidly written. It seems to want to seem like an epic tale, but it just...doesn't read like one:
"Long ago, the ancients of Weyward discovered the secrets of Alchemy.
They found that all life in Weyward was based on the four elements: earth, wind, fire and water.
They used their knowledge of Alchemy to forge a dazzling(DOES IT DAZZLE YOU?)civilization from the elements.
And the ancients made their wildest dreams come true.
And then began the nightmare of Alchemy.
Abuses of Alchemy threatened to tear apart their entire civilization. So the ancients did the unthinkable: They sealed away the power of Alchemy so no one could use it.
Civilization was saved, but the physical world itself began to die a slow death.
For the ancients didn't realize that Alchemy was what held Weyward together."
Wow. And -- correct me if I'm wrong -- but the story isn't lining up to me:
The history says that the ancients that existed before the events of the first Golden Sun game were more or less masters of Alchemy. Then, not ten seconds later, the history says that the sealing of Alchemy by the ancients causes Weyward to start dying slowly, an event the ancients did not know of. Okay, if you are MASTERS of a certain power, that seems to imply that you know it inside and out. YOU ARE A FREAKING MASTER AFTER ALL. Somehow I feel like the ancients KNEW that sealing Alchemy wasn't a good thing for the world, but they did so anyway to keep the IMMEDIATE death of Weyward from happening. I don't know about you, but I think that buying some time to fix what you've royally screwed up seems pretty damn smart to me, not foolish like the history seems to suggest.
ProofCat Logic: 1, BS History: 0.
More obligatory filler history explaining Isaac and Co.'s journey is inserted before we get this little bit of information:
"They had long lived at the foot of Mount Aleph, home to a people charged with a sacred duty from the ancients.
That was to protect Sol Sanctum, where the forbidden keys to the Elemental Lighthouses were hidden.
[...]
They persist in their duty to Sol Sanctum at Mount Aleph. Or at least what remains of it."
Okay, BS History, I'm still having problems with you:
Vale -- the town where Isaac and a few others originally hailed from -- was indeed charged with protecting the Elemental Stars, the "forbidden keys to the Elemental Lighthouses." But since Isaac and Co. already LIT the lighthouses in the past two games, I'm pretty sure the stars were used up/rest in the beacon wells at the lighthouses. The only reason Sol Sanctum existed was to hide and protect these stars. So, what I'm asking is WHY are the people of Vale still protecting the stupid temple? IT SERVES NO MORE PURPOSE. The stars as per previous Golden Sun logic shouldn't even BE there. And if they ARE there, WHY WOULD YOU KEEP THEM ALL IN ONE PLACE? We already learned from the first 10 minutes of the first game that this strategy DOES NOT WORK. Saturos and Menardi were able to STEAL them all in the original Golden Sun because they were ALL IN ONE PLACE. You'd think Isaac would have wised up and said, "Hey, that OBVIOUSLY didn't work last time. Why don't we split them up with the hero-friends we WON'T be showing because obviously they are SO far gone that nobody can find them -- not even the damn writers!" SIGH. TRY HARDER DARK DAWN.
And you might be thinking, "Maybe they're protecting the Golden Sun. That's important right?" IT'S A FREAKING SUN. HOW DO YOU STEAL A FREAKING SUN. Its only purpose thus far was to make Alchemy KAPOOF into existence and then be all shiny and annoying over Mount Aleph. I really don't think you need to keep it safe.
ProofCat Logic: 2, BS History: 0.
"Two survivors live near the crater where Vale once was."
...Why aren't the others there? If Alchemy is so freaking DANGEROUS, why in Weyward's name are only TWO of the original EIGHT present to protect its secrets? Wouldn't there be strength in numbers? We already know Garet's an idiot from the first two games, so that leaves Isaac. Isaac, the inheritor of a piece of the fabled Golden Sun, must be wise, right? ...We'll address that soon.
ProofCat Logic: 3, BS History: 0.
Would you believe I'm only seven minutes in? Seven. Minutes.
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY DON'T MAKE ME CONTINUE THIS TORTURE.
So we meet old!Isaac (who actually does look like an aged version of the original Isaac) and our hero, Matthew. He is apparently the spawn of Isaac and Jenna (and to this game's credit, he actually really does look like their kid). And where is Jenna you might ask? Well, according to FUKYEAHSEAKING and I, Jenna eloped with Sheba where they decided to continue their hot lesbian love affair that they held behind Isaac's back to produce the annoying bastard child and lead heroine, Karis. HA. YOU JUST THOUGHT SHE WAS IVAN'S DAUGHTER. NO WRONG. Don't worry, it's totally legit (and so are we).
In case you didn't guess already, Jenna is gone. Literally, there's no mention of her. Gee, you'd think two people who seemed to have the hots for each other in the previous two games and are now MARRIED would live with each other or at least MENTION THEIR SPOUSE. But hey, logic apparently has no place in Dark Dawn so who am I to question?
Anyway, you meet Karis and Tyrell (Garet's son) and you see Tyrell being a dumbass. Ah, just like his old man (who is sporting a RIDICULOUS mustache now). Tyrell takes a flying device called a soarwing and crashes it in the valley below Isaac and Garet's cabin...and somehow saying that makes me want to make a spin-off called Brokeback Adept.
I DIGRESS.
You venture down into the Tanglewood as Isaac tests your abilities as an Adept or, as I like to think of it, Isaac-is-a-total-asshole-and-failure-as-a-parent. No wonder Jenna left him to be with Sheba. Seriously, he's all, "TYRELL YOU MORON YOU'LL BE KILLED BECAUSE YOU'RE INEXPERIENCED." And then FIVE SECONDS later he turns around to Karis and his own son and is all, "You know what would be rad? You leading the way because you're inexperienced but hell! You'll have to pay your own bills someday, runt." Wow, thanks Dad!
"Also, remember to get take drugs, play with matches and ALWAYS run with scissors!"
So while in Tanglewood, you get the Djinn rundown like in the previous two games. AND YAY FLINT IS BACK. I'M SHOCKED THEY DIDN'T RUN YOU OVER WITH PIERS' BOAT OR SOMETHING EQUALLY LAME. And I'm actually kind of happy how each Djinni looks a little different from the rest. I approve of this change.
Anyway, you go through the pretty standard forest and reach a mine where Tyrell has been knocked out by having his Psynergy sucked out by a Psynergy Vortex. My boss senses are tingling.
Sure enough, here is where you fight the tree-flower from the depths of hell, Tanglebloom.
And I have to admit, the Summon sequences I've seen so far are pretty damn cool. Seriously, if I saw the new "Kirin" animation coming for me I'd wet myself with fear. Ramses actually looks badass now, which is...pretty rad considering he was a little lame looking in the original.
After rescuing Tyrell, it seems I've been tasked with traversing the continent to get the item needed to repair the poor soarwing. JOY.
I'll end my playthrough here for now. Stay tuned for the next part!
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